Who Rules the Island?

Geek Island is a brilliant idea. Its implementation will pose some challenges, however. For one thing, everybody knows there are a LOT more male geeks than female geeks (this “everybody knows” notion is something we will probably discuss eventually). That kind of ratio (Lot: Very few) makes for an unstable society. That’s because, when men have to compete for a resource, things get hairy. Calm down Phantom (or any other feminist reading this). I don’t think women are a resource. Just their birth canals. Besides, anytime demand outshoots supply, we have a resource on our hands (or in our geek womenfolk’s abdomens).

Well, something else comes with scarcity: power. The women of Geek Island (do y’all mind if I just call it GI?) will have a lot of pull. All you comp sci majors know how that works. Remember all those groups of unkempt guys in college fawning over some average-looking Linux chick who managed to wear a skirt once in a while? That’s GI. The boys will trip all over themselves doing whatever the girls ask them (or even just wistfully talk about maybe wanting). The bolder boys, anyway. Most of the geeks would be too uncomfortable anywhere near the geekettes, and would content themselves with worship from afar (or from behind a computer, with the lights low and the door bolted). The women would have to initiate most contact, and even then it would be awkward unless they have a lot of geekery in common. Geeks can only really talk about that part of geekery they belong to, be it stamps or the different species in “Star Wars.” They are socially inept (and downright scared) among those who do not grasp the intricacies of whatever they themselves hold dear. They will, therefore, align themselves into tribes, revolving around their passions. The wars will be fought along tribal-lines. Attempts to impress the little geeklings yet to choose an affiliation will escalate into shouting matches (“Star Wars Sucks! Star Trek is SCIENTIFIC!”), then to web forum invasions, and maybe even violence (at the very least, action figures will be mutilated). The gun geeks will probably win all altercations.

Who will head these tribes? The women, of course. The power imbalance will be compounded by another fact: everybody knows male supergeeks are passive, uncontrolling types. They would probably not mind ceding the running of Geek Island to their slightly less withdrawn women. And the geekiest geeks, that is, the most obsessed, will also be influential. The rest of the tribe will look up to them, especially since they are the ones who settle all the most heated disputes, and/or have created the most impressive collections/handiwork. Paradoxically, the least geeky will also wield power. This is because they will be the ones most able to pay attention to the inter and intra-group politics. So, unlike in the real world, where B-average students rule, average is ruled by extremes in geekworld (Although that last group of rulers are probably B and A- students, while the average geek would probably get a C- from Springfield Community College, so I guess some things don’t change).

Geek Island

There’s this concept I came up with to solve most of the world’s problems: Geek Island. You take a large island, say Australia. You nuke it real good, to get rid of the current inhabitants. Maybe you don’t have to nuke it. Maybe you send a few thousand ships with “Free Beer” painted on the side. However, I believe nukes are a nice way to get things rolling (break a few eggs and all that).

Next, you gather all the world’s geeks. I don’t mean the programmers, and physicists and so forth. I mean the REAL geeks. Those lovable, dysfunctional guys. You know the type, knows every motorbike (bigup JayZ) ever manufactured, or can draw up a complete family tree of everyone in the Lord of The Rings, or even schematics of the Starship Enterprise.

How do you get them onto the island? Sure, don’t think for yourself! Expect the genius to spell it all out! Well, CONVENTIONS. No geek can resist em. Just have the mother of all conventions in Australia.

OK, now they are all together… leave them. Let them breed (My next entry is about the difficulties in getting geeks to reproduce, and the sociological consequences of the acute female geek shortage). Voila. We have a population of geeks ready to solve the world’s problems in absurd ways. Trust me. I’ll give an example:

We’ve been ravaged by hurricanes and tropical storms of late. Lots of hypotheses abound as to what is causing this recent windiness. Here’s mine. You know how chaos theorists (who are they?) claim a butterfly flapping its wings can cause a hurricane across the globe? Well it seems obvious that there are many a hyperactive butterfly about. Who better to neutralize them than a tribe of butterfly collectors… from Geek Island? We could send a few planes over, pick up the collectors, and send em to China and the like. With nets. Lotsa nets. And those butterfly-pinny-things. Once they’re done, we’d just tell them there was another convention in Australia. None of them will be able to resist reuniting to show off their finds. Voila. No more hurricanes.